im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
