I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
