I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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