Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
