i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
