I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
