need another drink. this is the easiest way
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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