That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
