it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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