They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
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