I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
