Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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