I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
