Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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