hotel room ftw
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize