She is in my trunk
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
