There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
