Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We had sex on a dog bed..
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