Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Found the puke drawer
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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