My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
