fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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