is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
