I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
only you would photoshop your dick
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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