i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
