Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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