I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
