I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
