My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
