Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
