Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
