a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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