I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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