i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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