So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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