Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
