does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
