I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
