i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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