I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize