before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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