I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I stole a fireplace last night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
