i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
