Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't deserve a penis
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
