i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You've changed since you got that strap on
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
