I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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