Sober January is a disaster.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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