Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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