Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize