I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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