im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
