I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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