i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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