at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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