"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
