i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
