What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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