if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The Olympian is in my bed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
