I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
