dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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