No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
