he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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